It’s been 3 months. I’m sitting staring at a wall. This isn’t working. It’s really not. It’s gone from being a nagging feeling following me around to something much bigger. Now it’s time to talk to someone about it.

And I’m about to develop my communication skills in a way I never thought I would be doing…

Many months before during my free time when not teaching, I’d been sitting at my dining room table in an Italian village, reading through brochures, sifting through pages, and filling in application after application.

By hand. This was before the world was revolutionised with email being everywhere and the word ‘send’ becoming something we did a few times every hour on a computer, not just when we visited the post office.

So, I completed applications by hand. Then posted them to different parts of the world.

And waited.

Wondering what would happen and where I’d be living this time next year.

Two were successful.

And it was the River Ouse, cobbled stone streets, and the city that was home to the famous Betty’s tearoom that won.

I was excited, and a bit unnerved – I’d been the first person in my family to go on to university.

And I was about to go back for more.

But after 3 months at York University I found out that doing a PhD wasn’t what I’d thought.

It was me, books, papers, and more papers to read, in a room, on my own, with research that felt like it was stretching to the moon and back.

And I was only at the beginning.

Managing this change was much more difficult that I’d thought.

I’d met a few PhD students who’d been at it for years and saw how entirely consuming it was and that it really became your life in so many ways.

So, here I was.

Staring at that wall.

And deciding that I needed to talk to my supervisor, and look for a Plan B.

That being vulnerable was what was needed. But showing vulnerability isn’t always easy.

And I remember feeling like an idiot because how did I think this was a good idea?

When we make a decision, there’s often a host of voices inside our own heads all clamoring for attention.

Words like ‘should/have to/need to/must/can’t’ set up home there.

And it takes a while to sift through all that.

Some of it’s caution, some of it’s wisdom and some of it?

It’s just nonsense.

And sometimes it someone else’s voice in there.

Not ours.

Only after the thinking and sitting stewing in the not knowing do we get through the other side and realise what needs to be said and shared.

It’s not always easy.

It can feel pretty yucky.

And vulnerable.

That word again.

And then comes the challenge of communicating that with others.

Using our words.

Saying what needs said.

And moving forward.

Even when the first few steps are wobbly.

These baby steps help take us to a new place that makes more sense.

Just by speaking up, using our voice, and stepping forward.

It can make the world of difference.

🟡 Has this ever happened to you?

🟡 When have you made a big U-turn?

🟡 What big decision have you taken that needed to be shared?